The Blaine-Anderson-Tina-Cohen-Chang-Wedding-Train-Wreck-Extravaganza
by chemiglee
Summary: When Tina is caught in a lie, it's up to Blaine and the rest of her friends to help her out. How? By putting on a fake wedding. Of course.
1. Chapter 1

"Okay, Tina, what's so urgent that I had to re-schedule our cake tasting?" Blaine tossed his bag aside and wrung his hands, speaking in a smooth stream before she could get a word in edgewise. He was, understandably, distressed. "Kurt will just not bend on the tricky issue of _Swiss_ buttercream versus _French_ buttercream and he does not understand that egg yolk in a frosting is _beyond_ _gross_, so the question was going to be settled today _in my favor_, but - "

"I promise I'll be Team Whatever Buttercream you need me to be," Tina said rapidly. She was also wringing her hands, and her face pinched with panic. "I can't believe I actually said I was - "

The look on her face reminded him of a downed bird. "What is it, Tina?" Blaine said, softening. He sat next to her and took one of her hands, squeezing the fingers together in his. Her shoulders fell a little and her breath oozed out of her. "I promise, whatever it is, I'll do anything I can to help you."

"You might not like this," Tina squeaked. "I really dug myself into a hole with this one." She looked at him through a curtain of hair, and her lip quivered.

"What is it?" Blaine said again. Patiently. He loved her, but that didn't mean she was agreeable all the time. Still, though, she was his _friend_, she was precious, and she needed him. He leaned forward and brushed the hair away, tucked the strands behind her ear.

"I - " she stuttered, and it sounded like a real stutter - "I might, uh, I _might_ have told my Brown friends I was getting married. They're coming up to New York for a visit."

"So?" Blaine's lips quirked upward, amused. "Just don't bring it up again? Say you broke it off?"

"Every one of them is getting married or is married and Janie is already _pregnant_," Tina said, "Nobody can forget, especially if you're the _only_ single girl left, so I got tired of saying I wasn't and I said I was, too."

"Okay," Blaine said slowly, "It's awkward, but I understand. You want me to get Sam or Artie to fake a lunch date with them?"

"Not Sam or Artie. _You_."

Blaine bounced back on the bed, astonished. "Me? Do they know I'm gay?"

"Of course not, Blainey Days, that doesn't make any sense." She tugged at his sleeve and made a pout. "I said you because you're intelligent and charming and successful and devastatingly good looking."

He perked up and smiled at her, feeling warm. "Thanks, Tina. So you need me to go to lunch with them? Be the perfect fiance?"

"Well - " Tina played with the hem of her top, suddenly looking coy, and it was that look which filled Blaine with a creeping sense of dread - "I had to, see, buy a dress - "

"_You didn't_. **TINA**."

"I had to!" Tina's voice scaled up to distress level 9. Her lashes fluttered. "Sherry asked me when we were getting married and I said on Thursday, before I thought it out, and before I knew it they all found out and they said they were coming down and you don't say no to a Brown girl!"

"Thursday? That's two days away!" Blaine's mouth fell open. "There is no way we can fake a wedding happening that soon!"

"It doesn't have to be a big one!" Tina said, defensively. "We can get Kurt to be the priest or something - "

"_Do you honestly think_ Kurt is going to fake-officiate _as a priest_ at the fake wedding of his fiance to someone else?"

"I don't know!" Tina threw up her hands. "I thought I could at least get Rachel to sing because I knew she wouldn't say no! And Mercedes can be my fake maid of honor."

"I'm not saying no, Tina, I'm saying I've been planning my wedding to Kurt for ages and now I need to plan a fake wedding in two days - "

"At least you can have whatever buttercream you want," Tina snarked.

Blaine's lips clamped shut, but her look of outrage made him burst out laughing first.

"Besides, you don't really have to _do_ anything," she said sweetly. "I've been planning my wedding for years." She tossed a fat binder into his lap. "You just have to look like your amazingly attractive self and you have a ton of great suits to use."

He wiped his eyes. "Think we can pull this off?"

"We _have_ to pull this off, or I'll never hear the end of it," Tina said, nodding briskly. Her chin pointed up, and her eyes glittered with determination. "We're going to make this the best, most true-looking fake-wedding New York ever saw."

"I think you'll never hear the end of it no matter what," said Blaine, laughing again.


	2. Chapter 2

"So, wait. huh?" Sam said, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. "This is just like high school, except high school was never this complicated."

"I'm exasperated with that girl," Mercedes' gold earrings glittered as she shook her head back and forth. "If she could just be straight with people she'd suffer a lot less grief."

Two bright, hard spots of pink flared in Kurt's cheeks. He and Tina had had it out before she and Blaine left, trailing apologies and excuses in their wake. His syllables were clipped and nasty as he asked the assembled loft: "And we're indulging her why?"

" 'Cause we love her, that's why," said Artie, mouth full of popcorn.

"Tina would do it for us if we had to improvise a wedding so our out-of-town friends would get off our back," Rachel wheedled. "It is so short-sighted of you not to see the possibilities! This is a great acting opportunity, everyone." She folded her hands neatly on the kitchen table. "I, for one, am absolutely in."

"You're just saying that because she asked you to sing," Mercedes snorted. "I know you have some wedding solo playlist in your back pocket at all times."

"I was an excellent Girl Scout," Rachel flipped her hair over her shoulders and beamed angelically at the room. "I didn't get to where I am today without always being prepared." Santana rolled her eyes and Rachel rolled on: "Besides, when Tina came to New York to pursue a performing career I taught her everything she knows about drama and divahood and look where she is now, so if she pulls this off, this can only help her be a better actor."

"This is all satire and farce and pretending to get married to my fiance," Kurt snarked. "I wouldn't call this a success, Rachel."

"Maids of honor can sing too," Mercedes huffed. "Still, she asked me and not you, so we're even. And Sam's going to lend me some moonlighting strippers from his agency, so Tina's bachelorette is a go." Sam flexed his arms, rolled his abs, and looked a question at Mercedes; Mercedes frowned and shook her head sternly.

"At least she knew better than to ask me to plan it," Kurt pushed the cover of Tina's overstuffed binder closed with a very decided thump. "And we can use all the backup decorations, so I'll know how they look, just in case the first choice and second choice fall through."

"How do we know this isn't another attempt at blowing Blaine's whistle?" Artie peered into his bowl. "I don't know how I feel about having to give her away when it could be me instead."

"You wish she was blowing _your_ whistle, Artie," Santana snapped. "Let Girl Chang have her adorable delusion. Lord knows we all join in on everyone else's shenanigans. I've already begun live-tweeting this mess. Hashtag TinaFinallyGetsHerMan."

"She still could've asked me," Artie shook his head again. "Besides, Tina's our choice for when Kitty and I have our first threesome, so us getting sort-of-married still could carry a ring of truth."

Rachel wrinkled her nose and mouthed "first?" at Kurt. Kurt shrugged and glanced over at Sam, who didn't help at all: "I can't complain, guys. I'm gonna be Blaine's best man, like, twice. That means two epic bachelor parties! Girl strippers for hetero Blaine and guy strippers for gay Blaine."

"I think you should go easy on the girl strippers, Sam," said Mercedes pointedly. "For Blaine's sake. And mine."

"And no strippers at all in the loft," Rachel said sternly. "Tina and I want this to be understated and classy."

"The real fake wedding can be classy! I meant, you know, the night before. I mean, tomorrow."

"The minute Tina said "phony wedding" is the minute all class went out of this joint," Mercedes laughed. "Still, though, it's going to be fun! You can't say it won't."

Santana threw a pillow at Sam and went on: "Face it, Artie, she picked Blaine because he could charm all those non-GMO eating, zero-carbon footprinting, hipster-nerd-artsy-fartsy-neo-liberal girls down from the trees and make them believe anything he wanted them to."

"I protest, woman." Artie tossed in another kernel. " Artie Abrams is a _catch_ and he's got love for all the ladies, even if his heart is promised to another by the bonds of devotion and sexiness."

"Of course you're a catch, but she knew Kitty would rip her head off and wear it for a keychain if she asked you," Rachel said reasonably. "And she's got a soft spot for Blaine, so."

"It's the only way she can marry him, anyway," Santana hummed.

"I'm surprised that you were the first one to say yes to all of this," Rachel examined her nails with exaggerated attention to form and edge. "Or did you rifle through all her drawers and find out about this before she did?"

"Why the hell would I say no for? This is going to be the disaster of the century," Santana stretched out luxuriously on the couch, like a cat, and whipped out her iPhone. "I know that's why you all really wanted this to go through."

_Bang! bang! bang!_

"They're back already?" Rachel flounced down at Blaine's piano and began to pick out scales to sing by. "Traffic to and from JFK is absolute murder." But the sound of the door being pulled back cut through her pre-emptive warmup, bags were dropped with thuds to the floor, and a force of nature strode in, long legs taking the boards quickly, and opened his arms wide, the better to encompass his adoring audience in: "So," he boomed, "where's my little brother and his fake bride-to-be at?"

"Jeez, Cooper, how'd you get here so fast?" Santana beamed, and hopped off her couch. "Come here, you handsome creature."

"I finally figured out that Lima Express racket," Cooper explained, and gave Santana delicate kisses on both cheeks. "And you were live-tweeting, my dear, so I knew it had to be good." He worked the room deftly: Sam and Artie with hearty back pats, Mercedes with a gallant hand kiss and eye-lingering looks which sent her into gales of giggles, and Rachel with a swift pickup, off her heels, and then an effortless twirl that set her skirts to flying. Kurt for last, a strong man-to-man handshake, and then an oddly tentative: "Kurt, how're you doing?"

"I could be doing better," Kurt grumbled. "These goings-on are just absolutely ridiculous. Blaine's marrying me and _we're_ the forever."

"She knows. But you're doing it because you're a good friend, and it distracts you from the pressing question of gardenia and white peach versus gardenia and lemon verbena."

"I know she knows, it's just - strange. This whole thing is strange and really weird."

Cooper shrugged. "It's a practice run. Blaine's nervy about the real wedding, so this'll take the tension off of him for a bit."

"So he told you about the flowers controversy?" Kurt sighed. "Lemon verbena will make everything smell like soap, doesn't he understand that?"

"Getting married is about declaring to the world that you'll only love your soulmate forever and ever, right, brother-in-law?" Cooper directed a jab to Kurt's ribs, and Kurt swerved.

"It is about love," Kurt jerked his chin up and his voice warmed, grew frenetic. "Soulmates and the perfect arrangements and everything else going smoothly like the way I want it to go. I've been planning my wedding since I was two years old."

"Everybody knows, Kurt." Rachel and Mercedes patted him on the back soothingly.

Artie sighed and ducked into the kitchen for a plate of chocolate chip cookies. "Why are you here, Cooper?"

"I had to make it look good," Cooper said, eyes twinkling. He shook his head at the plate as it passed by. "It's all about proper set dressing. Blaine and that cutie Tina aren't going to pull this off without me present to give them the Anderson family blessing."

"How are we going to explain the no parents thing?" Mercedes asked, biting into the edge of her cookie. " 'Cause, I mean, we can mock up the decorations and the catering and the ceremony, but we can't exactly fake the absence of their parents."

"You'll see," Cooper said, eyes bright with mischief. "Blaine told me, but he wants it to be a surprise to the rest of us, so it'll land better with the out-of-towners."

Mercedes peeked at the busy streets down below. "You must have just missed them. Their, I mean, _her_ friends all booked the same flight. Maybe they're going straight to the hotel first after they got dinner."

"Any of you know if they're single or available?" Cooper waggled his eyebrows. "Besides Tina. If she can't have the little Anderbro, she could have me."

"Gross." Rachel made a face. "Cooper, you have no morals."

"Shut up, Berry," Santana said. "Just take it as a chance to let loose and have some, you know, unplanned fun."

"I will not be silenced, Santana," Rachel flared, hotly. "Things have to be scheduled or there's _utter and complete_ chaos and I am not going to stand for anything less than beautiful, perfect order! For Tina, of course. And Blaine understands the importance of everything set and in their place too. So does Kurt."

Kurt muttered: "I don't think there's actually any order going on here, Rachel," which was the cue for both Rachel and Mercedes to prop their arms comfortingly around him. Kurt looked at each of them, lingering at either side, and gave them both a rueful half-smile for thanks, leaning himself finally against Mercedes for support.

"I think all her Brown friends are spoken for, Coop," Sam explained, very seriously. "although they're messed up? And one of them's pregnant. Tina's shown me pictures - they're pretty hot."

"Oh really now?" Cooper blinked, grabbed the last cookie off of Kurt's vintage plate, and took a huge bite of it. "That's even better. Nothing like an out-of-town wedding for a quick hookup among brand new friends."

Sam looked at Cooper with awe. "Teach me _everything_ you know, Master."

"My young padawan!" Cooper boomed, draping an arm around Sam's shoulder. "The first thing you need to understand, Sam, my man, is never underestimate the importance of a British accent at a wedding. Classy and a panty-dropper."

Everyone rolled their eyes, except Artie, who was trying not to look like he was taking notes, and Santana, of course. "I'm so tweeting all of this," she grinned, fingers flying. "With that, let the Blaine-Anderson-Tina-Cohen-Chang Fake Wedding Train Wreck Extravaganza begin."


	3. Chapter 3

**9:07 am, Sam, Artie, and Tina's place**

The day did not start well.

"_Aaaaahhh_, Tina!" Sam yelled, lunging back at the sight of whatever lay beyond the curtain he'd just pulled aside. "_You didn't_!"

"Sam!" Tina scurried out after him, breathlessly, a sheet wrapped messily about her figure. A rosy flush had spread down her cheeks and across the top of her chest, and mussed hair tumbled over her bare arms in a wild free-for-all. "Don't be mad! I know we've hooked up in the past but - "

"I'm not mad, I'm grossed out," Sam said, blue eyes wide with horror. "I was looking for the hoodie you borrowed so I could go run and the first thing I don't want to see in the morning is you climbing Cooper like a _tree_ and - _ughhhh!_"

"Hey, can you blame her?" said Cooper, who'd dressed in lightning time and loped a friendly arm about Tina's waist. "I love my brother. I wouldn't do it to Blaine for real, if I was gay. But it's all fake, remember? Don't worry, Sam, there's always next time." Tina scowled and slapped Cooper's hand away from her ass.

"Do they make hand sanitizer for your eyes?" Sam whined.

"It's called vodka," Artie said.

"Only when _I_ want to have a next time," said Tina freezingly. "You and I, Cooper, we are _so_ done."

"That's not what you said twice last night and once this morning," Cooper winked. "It was hot, right, Sam?"

"You shouldn't objectivize her, Coop," said Sam angrily. "Tina's my friend, and if she says you're done, you're done." Sam moved closer to Cooper and glared at him stonily, straight in the eyes.

Artie snapped, "Back off of Tina, before I hurt you."

"It's objectify," Tina said, but softer, and not in that tart tone she used when she was annoyed. . "I'm fine, Sam, Artie, thank you."

Cooper shrugged and hopped onto the sofa, picking over the bowls of fancy spiced nuts Kurt and Rachel had sent home with them after the rehearsal dinner. "Okay, then, Tina. Offer's still good if you ever want to all-aboard the Cooper Express again."

Tina scrunched up her nose at him. "No, thanks. Besides, we have to go over to the loft and act all proper for my friends."

"Your friends didn't seem like they cared about being proper," Artie said. "I'm pretty sure I saw Janie stuff all the strippers' sweaty briefs into her purse."

"They can be wild," Tina allowed. "We got up to some shenanigans at Brown."

"Does it make me a bad person to say you and Cooper were gross, Tina?" Sam asked.

"No, and thanks, friend," Tina laughed. He kissed the top of her head. "Just don't tell Blaine about this, Sam, or he'll be upset."

"Tell me what?" said Blaine merrily, with a definitive door slam which reminded everyone too late that he had a spare key to their apartment. Artie and Sam exchanged worried glances. Blaine carried boxes of pastries from the bakery down the street, and the waft of cherry and vanilla drifted up to tickle their noses and fill the sudden silence that stopped up their astonished mouths.

Oblivious, Blaine hung up his dry-cleaning in the hall closet and, after a still-swaddled Tina approached him for a hug, dropped an affectionate kiss on her forehead, dapper and bright-eyed in a black v-neck sweater, white collar and blue bowtie. "And how's my beautiful fake bride-to-be?"

"Nervous," said Tina, "and nothing happened this morning.. Everything's going to, uh, go off without a hitch."

"Sure," said Cooper, with a deadpan expression. "There was no getting off here."

"Um, okay?" said Blaine, glancing around at all the still faces. "Someone want to tell me what's going on?"

Artie looked like his cheeks had inflated, ready to explode, and Sam looked studiously down to his toes. Cooper looked utterly serene, and Blaine scanned each of their faces carefully before opening his mouth to speak again, but it was Tina who burst out and interrupted him: "_I _slept with Cooper, okay? I'm _sorry_, Blaine. I know we were supposed to get married today - "

"_You didn't! Tina!" _Blaine reared back in horror.

"Fake-married," Artie sighed.

But he was already far gone, and he lunged for Cooper first. Blaine was furious. "You did this? _Did you know about this?_ You took advantage of my best friend in order to satisfy your _nauseating_ hormonal urges?" He turned on his heel to face Tina, who was pulling the sheet closer around herself. "And how could you? He's _my brother_. That's so - so - _uuuuugh_. Couldn't you have picked someone else?"

"Well," said Tina, looking relieved now that her secret was out, "if I have to be strictly honest, Sam was getting cozy with Mercedes last night, after you and Kurt went to bed, so Cooper and I came back here and, uh, took advantage of the situation -."

"Twice last night and once this morning," Cooper added helpfully.

Blaine dropped to a chair and pinched the bridge of his nose, shooting his older brother glances fit to kill over his fingers. "This is going to be a really, really, really long day."

"I know, right?" said Sam sagely. He sauntered over, picked up a turnover and sniffed at it, then put it back in the box. "Be glad you didn't actually see them in the middle of doing it."

"You _saw _them? See? Now you know how _disgusting_ it is to just walk in on people like that."

"Vodka?" Artie offered Blaine the bottle.

**10:01 am, Kurt, Blaine, and Rachel's place**

The day did not start well.

"Helllooooo!" a female voice tootled in through the door, and then when neither Kurt nor Rachel could scramble up fast enough to pull it back, it stuck, a male voice muttered, "Put your back into it, Ash," and then it finally yielded. "We're back! Reverend Kurt? Rachel?"

"Oh, hi!" Rachel stuck in her head from the kitchen, hands full of suds. "We're just clearing up from breakfast. Um… Kurt's just in the bathroom."

"I brought some cold-pressed coconut water turmeric beverages," said a dark-haired girl helpfully. She elbowed her friend in the ribs. He frowned and looked around for somewhere to put down the case while she threw her trench coat on the floor. "I noticed you didn't have any, so I thought I'd bring my own supply since this wedding seems to be happening really fast, you know, without _any_ organization."

"You're Ashley, right?" said Rachel, curling her lip. "The coat rack's over there."

"Right," said Ashley, who ignored her and sat squarely down on Rachel's favorite cushion. She wriggled and wriggled until she found the best spot. "Where's Tina? Still getting her fabulous self ready?"

"You didn't tell me where to put your drinks, Ash," said the guy patiently. He rolled his eyes, and Rachel stifled a sympathetic laugh. "Hi, Rachel. I'm still psyched that I got to meet the star of Funny Girl and Oklahoma."

"You can put those in the refrigerator, Dan," she said, throwing him a pleased smile. "Tina's still at her place. Please have a seat, and welcome again to our home. As you know, the wedding's at noon and, contrary to popular belief, we do have a schedule in place."

"I love your cute little loft," said Ashley, looking around. "It's so eclectic, and those garlands are almost fresh. And are those throw blankets genuine hemp or just imitation?"

Dan pointedly found a seat facing away from Ashley, saw Rachel's glowering face, and decided to change the subject. He flipped the edges of an enormous stapled booklet sitting in front of him: "Is this one of Tina's scripts?"

"She must have left it here," said Rachel. "She's in that new cop show, _Boys in Blue_, filming downtown. The rookie detective who learns valuable life lessons along the way and begins to fight against a system that's stacked up against her advancement in the force."

"Sure is heavy," said Dan, grinning and picking it up and letting it fall on the table. "Still, I'm not surprised Tina's doing well. You should check out our Brown drama department YouTube channel. She was - " his voice deepened, went mellow - "our shining star."

Rachel perched on an arm rest and lifted an eyebrow at Dan. "She's come a long way. You're an actor too, aren't you?"

"We were in the same program," Dan smiled up at her, a handsome, dark-haired picture, in sleek navy blue pinstripes and a subtle gray tie. "We were stage partners and dance partners."

"I'm sure you were," said Kurt, eyeing Dan.

"I moved to LA, but I'm not doing as well as Tina is," he said, running his hands over his hair. "I was going to ask her if she thought I should come here. We're so proud of her, _right_, Ash?"

"I think it's nice that you let Reverend Kurt stay here while his, uh, rectory is being repainted," said Ashley. "I thought they had to have vows of poverty or whatever so I don't understand why his walls have to look nice."

"I believe that the immortal soul can be fed by beauty." Kurt pulled at his collar. "It just so happens that God speaks to me best in pistachio green, not in dingy snot-yellow."

"Is he allowed to say _snot_?" she stage-whispered.

Kurt pinched his mouth. Rachel glanced at him, tried to save the moment: "And what was your degree in, Ashley?"

"Communications," said Ashley. "Why?"

Kurt smirked. Dan shrugged, took another handful of nuts: "So, what's the deal with this Blaine guy? Other than what I looked up on IMDB, YouTube, and ."

"Blaine is an incredibly successful stage performer," said Kurt crushingly. "Critics and audiences love him. His first movie's coming out next year. He'll win a major award by thirty, just you see."

"And he's generous and kind and so very charming," Rachel joined in, cutting Kurt off long enough for his enthusiasm to seem less suspicious. "He's the real deal, I can assure you. I'm definitely planning to audition for a part in his new musical."

Ashley looked at Kurt over the edge of her hand mirror. "Blaine's adorable. I had no idea Tina even knew all these celebrities, but we haven't talked a lot since college. I have no idea why." She sighed, pursed her lips in the mirror. "Tina's so lucky."

"I'm not convinced this is a good idea." Dan flicked the edge of the script. "But she talks about him a lot. I didn't know they were dating." He looked inquisitively over at Kurt. "Did you?"

"Of course we did," Kurt said hurriedly. "We talk about their dating all the time. They date constantly."

"I can attest to the fact that Blaine and Tina are ideal. They've known each other a long time." Rachel said, beaming.

Kurt glared at Rachel. "Well… ahem! They _have _known each other a long time. As have I - we all have."

"I thought he was with someone else," said Dan smoothly. Kurt looked discomfited. "Maybe I'm reading the wrong blogs."

"Anyone got any booze for my drink?" Ashley asked.

"You need more kick because the turmeric's not enough?" Dan shook his head. "And why are you drinking before noon?"

"It's morning," Ashley shrugged.

"And so it is!" Mercedes stuck her head in. "Here we are!"

"Oh, thank God you're here, 'Cedes," said Kurt, with relief.

Mercedes waggled friendly fingers at everyone and brought trays of wedding cupcakes into the kitchen. It was up to Santana to address the room, sweeping in like a queen in a shade of pink slightly paler than Mercedes' own. "Hello, ladies and germs," preened Santana. "I'm here, so the marrying can start - " and then she noticed Ashley.

The air snapped between them. Their eyes met. Ashley reached flashpoint in milliseconds. She flung her mirror to the ground. And before anyone else in the room could stop her, she had sprung up on heels that didn't look at all bouncy and screeched at the top of her lungs:

"You stole my coat at the party!" She lunged for Santana with nails and teeth, spit flying. "I know you took it! Do you know how much that cost me? _One hundred dollars_!"

Santana snarled, teeth bared, and pulled her earrings out. "Hold my bling, Mercedes, 'cause your much loved Auntie Snixx just rolled into town to bring the smackdown on a crusty out-of-town pretentious _bitch_."

"She's not worth it, Santana!" Mercedes implored. "You're going to wreck Blaine and Tina's, um, special day!"

"They're not here, are they? 'Cause I'm about to teach some hard-learned Lima Heights Adjacent lessons - "

"Your weave looks like it was pulled off a dollar store mannequin, dragged through Providence River, and set on fire!"

"You accuse me of stealing your ugly off-brand Max Azria and you can't even make up a _good _insult?" Santana threw her head back and laughed. "This is going to be _easy_."

Ashley leaped forward. "Pull her back, Dan!" Rachel threw protective arms over the "Congratulations Blaine and Tina" banner on the wall. "Pull her back before she knocks over my lily centerpieces!"

Dan dutifully yanked her back, but Ashley's nails raked across Santana's bare arm. Growling, Santana reached for her hair. Ashley raised her hand to slap her, but Santana swerved, and her hip bumped a vase, and it swiveled ponderously, once, twice, and landed, upside down and hard, on its lip. The lilies tumbled out, starry white and bright, against the turquoise shards.

Rachel screamed in fury. "Santana! Ashley! My dads gave me that Weller vase _from Barbra's own collection!_"

"Barbra Streisand is overrated as a singer _and_ as an actress!"

"Oh no you didn't! How dare you?" The banner collapsed. Rachel ran over and pointed a finger in Ashley's face. "Barbra is flawless and anyone who says otherwise has - has no sense of artistic discernment _or_ taste!"

"I didn't steal your rodent-bitten coat!" Santana yelled, snatching up a good hank of Ashley's hair. It came off in her hand. "Hah! You have a weave too!"

"My weave's better than yours! And I saw you - "

"Ashley, Jesus Christ! Stop making a scene!" Dan implored. "This is just as bad as the time you and Tina were dating the same guy and you put Visine in her coffee."

"I think we could all use more faith," said Kurt unctuously, who had stayed (wisely) out of the fray, except to widen his eyes in utter shock when the fighting started. "As well as peace. And quiet."

"I completely agree, Kurt," said Mercedes. "And more understatement. And more class."

"Why is Tina friends with you again?" Santana snapped, brushing over the front of her gown, and visibly calming herself with a suddenness that made Mercedes peer at her. So it was left to Ashley to be the runaway train, and she crashed, voice high and strained and hysterical in the quiet.

"Because she doesn't need friends like you!" she yelled, face purple. "You took away her chances, you made her sway in the background, _you forgot she existed!_"

Santana dropped the weave. Rachel's mouth opened and closed and nothing came out.

Dan pressed his lips together and shook his head. "_That_'s why you and Tina are friends."

The door opened again.

"Hey, everyone," said Blaine, whistling. "I brought over another box of turnovers if anyone's hungry. And booze. What's all this? Oh, Rachel, your Barbra vase!" His inquisitive eyes passed over Santana, and Rachel, and Ashley, who still looked righteously indignant, and Dan, who straightened up and flung Blaine a look that wasn't quite friendly. Blaine reared back in surprise.

"Vodka," said Rachel, with relief. "We're going to need some."

**11:29 am**

I

"You'd think we'd be more adept at throwing impromptu weddings by now," Tina shook her head. They were in the bathroom, and Mercedes was pinning the last of Rachel's lilies into her hair. "I thought I said I wanted things to be _classy_. How could Ashley make such a mess? At least Janie didn't bring the strippers to the wedding like she promised."

"Fake wedding, Tina," said Artie from the open doorway. He had a lap full of flowers, and another deep sigh to give. Artie looked back at the loft (chairs arranged, piano pulled out, barely reconciled guests sipping cocktails) and patted his tie.

"Are you mad I didn't ask you to marry me?" Tina teased. "You're my _friend_. You're cute, too, Artie, but you're just too brotherly."

Mercedes stood back and winked at Tina. "And Kitty would put your head on a spike."

"Yes, she would," Tina agreed. "Eyeless and all clawed over."

"It would've been nice to be asked," said Artie, "but, friend, you do look beautiful."

"And Mercedes looks amazing," Tina gushed. "Who else can say the billboard-charting queen of all musical divas, _Miss Mercedes Jones,_ was her maid of honor?"

"I'm not going to lie, friend," said Mercedes, and winked. "There might be a song coming out of this mess."

"What about your rumored on-and-off-again romance with Sam Evans?" asked Artie, who mimed a microphone squarely at Mercedes' chin. "The world needs to know, Miss Jones. Will you be making sweet physical harmonies with Sam before the night's out?"

"No comment," said Mercedes severely. "I have to focus on my career. So does he, and he also _likes_ dating around."

"I'm sorry, Mercedes," Tina said. "I should've told you about Sam, but that's all in the past, and it was just a few times anyway. Sam and I are friends." She reached out for Mercedes' hand. "Besides, he only gets that silly look in his eyes when he talks about you. Let's not fight."

"Don't stop on my account." Mercedes muttered, but she looked pleased. She put an arm around Tina and twirled her around, which sent them both to laughing, heads thrown back. She and Tina looked like gorgeous flowers in full bloom, with curls spilling down over their bare shoulders and frills of lace at their hems. Mercedes arranged the veil around Tina's head and pinned down a few straggling tendrils so the tiara would show best. "Here, smooth down your front. It's a bit lumpy there."

Tina looked guilty. "Um, can I tell you guys a secret?"

II

Blaine and Cooper were just finishing up. "You look good, squirt," Cooper said. "Chip off the old block, if I do say so myself. What's Sam doing?"

"He's working the room." Blaine cast a glance through the curtain. "Trying to impress Tina's friends with his new British accent. Memorizing his speech."

"You know she's a little in love with you, right?"

"Well, no, not really." Blaine pinned a lily to his lapel. "She knows we can't be together. But Tina's my friend, in a different way than Sam is. Or Rachel or Artie or Mercedes. And Tina's always been there for me when I needed to talk to someone. I've been there for her when she was sad."

"All that's very touching. But she's not like Kurt."

"Not like Kurt," Blaine agreed. "There are things even Tina can't - won't understand. And anyway, I knew Kurt from somewhere, the first time I saw him. I knew we fit. It hasn't been perfect, and sometimes we argue or have to negotiate, but it's been perfect enough. And it's _Kurt_."

"But you'll help your friend put on a phony wedding to cover her ass in a lie," Cooper reasoned. "It's a cute ass."

"_Cooper_."

"Fine, fine," said Cooper dismissively. "That's done, anyway. That friend of hers wants to kill you, though."

"Who, Ashley?" Blaine grimaced. "She flashed me her boobs in the street. Janie looks like she's about to fall asleep, and Sherry's red as a beet because her chemical peel took off a little too much."

"No, Dan." Cooper grinned. "You sure you don't see any parallels there, squirt? Between you and him?"

"I've got no idea what you're talking about," said Blaine, with dignity. "Sometimes two people just don't get along. And he asks too many questions, as if _I'm_ not good enough for her."

"You know this is a fake wedding, right?"

"Right. But - "

"What?"

"Does it make me a bad person to say I wish I was marrying Kurt today, instead?"

"No," Cooper said. "It just makes you human."

Blaine gave his reflection a dazzling smile. "How do I look, big brother?"

"Perfect. Just like me. Now let's act the hell out of this thing and then get really drunk."

**12:06 pm**

"Dearly beloved," said Kurt, stonily determined to make it, "we are gathered here in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

Blaine looked faintly agitated. Cooper and Sam beamed on Tina, and Artie blew her a kiss. Tina winked.

"It is therefore not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly." He coughed. "If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together - let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Dan opened his mouth, then shut it. So did Kurt, who got a warning look from Sam. Rachel and Mercedes beamed, a little too brightly. And slowly, surely, the moment slipped away.

"Fine. Good. This is going much smoother than other weddings I've done. Well, moving on, folks," said Kurt briskly.

"What weddings _have_ you done, Reverend?" Dan raised his hand.

"Dan! You're supposed to object, not cross-examine the Reverend," Ashley blurted, looking up from where she was rummaging through a bag on the floor.

"What do you mean, supposed to object? She's the center of my existence and my other self. My one true love. And Tina's marrying _me_," said Blaine, who applied his best and most ardent hearteyes through Tina's veil.

Tina fluttered her eyelashes. "And so I am, my Blainey Days. You're my best friend, the love of my life, and the father of my child."

Everyone gasped. Kurt threw up his hands and sputtered.

"_You didn't! Tina!_" Dan leaped to his feet. "I didn't know you actually loved him!"

"_You didn't! Blaine!_" Sam gripped Blaine's shoulders in a panic. "I thought you just wanted to do _me_!"

"Tweeting it," said Santana cheerfully. "Hashtag Tina'sDreamsComeTrue. So that's why there aren't any parents here."

"Our parents would have disowned us if they saw I was carrying Blaine's love child," said Tina, clutching at her baby bump dramatically.

"Your parents seem pretty cool, Tina," Sherry blinked. "Didn't they have your brother, like, four months after they got married?"

"You always get the little details mixed up." Tina shook her head.

"I knew you took my coat, Santana," said Ashley spitefully, who stood up, arms full.

"So? You can have it back," said Santana, tossing her a cursory glance. "The thrill's just gone now."

"Wait," Janie yawned hugely and straightened up. "Who's Blaine going to marry? I hope it's me."

"He's marrying me," Tina said angrily. "We have nights of singular passion - "

"Ewww, Tina," Sam grimaced. "That's too much detail, even for me."

Cooper raised up a finger. "I can attest to the passion part."

"Cooper!" Blaine groaned.

"You slept with both of them? Tina, you're my hero," Sherry breathed. "You must tell me everything. Who's bigger?"

"Wait, you were doing Cooper this morning and if you're pregnant…" Sam counted it out on his fingers, blinked, seemed to remember - "oh, right. Blaine totally tapped that. _Rrrright_."

"_You didn't! Tina!_" cried Rachel. "You're supposed to be marrying Blaine!"

"Don't you start with me, Rachel Berry," said Tina dangerously. "That's slut-shaming and I will not stand for it!"

"I totally support your and every woman's right to exert control over her own body. I just - _Why him?"_

"I'm a catch, Rach," said Cooper, waggling his eyebrows.

"Stop it, everyone, just stop!" yelled Blaine. "We need to get this wedding back on track!"

"Tina, you can't do this," Dan said frantically. "Don't you see how wrong this is? He's in love with someone else and you're - now you're obviously just marrying him because he knocked you up - "

Rachel broke off, mid-sentence, and clung to Mercedes instead. She stood, stunned and still, so Mercedes said it for her, softly, glancing quickly in between Dan's lit-up face and Tina's furious one: "Oh my God."

"He didn't just knock me up, Dan, we're in love," Tina snapped, and stomped her foot. "And _then_ he knocked me up. Can't you be supportive? I thought you were my friend."

"_Tina!_" Dan pleaded. "Don't do this!"

"_Blaine!" _Tina tossed her bouquet on the floor. "Tell them everything! About how we wined and dined and had similar interests and how we want a dozen children! Each! Tell them!" Tears gathered in her eyes.

Blaine looked stunned. Everything _was_ spiralling out of control, but he collected himself quickly enoujgh to break in, and he knew that it was time to stop.

He spoke calmly, affectionately.

"Shh, Tina, it's okay. Don't cry. Don't cry." He took her hand. "But - I can't. I wanted to do this for you and I'm so disappointed that I can't go through with it, but you know who my soulmate is and I just can't. "

"You're in love with someone else!" Sherry gasped. "Blaine, how could you?"

"He's in love with me." Kurt pulled Blaine's other hand to his chest, then raised his knuckles up to his lips, grazing them with a tender kiss. Their eyes met. Blaine's eyes shimmered. "And I love him. We're the ones who are soulmates."

"I do love you, Kurt."

"Let's just stop," said Kurt tiredly, unbuttoning the top buttons of his shirt. "I'm sick of it, and I think you are, too." Blaine moved closer, wrapped an arm around his waist. "We set up this fake wedding for you because we're your friends, Tina, but - but we can't sustain this."

"We're her friends, too," said Ashley protectively. She jumped up and took Tina's arm. "And at least we've always known Tina's a star. Not like you guys knew."

"Why didn't she tell you the truth, then?" Mercedes snapped. "Maybe we weren't as close to her in high school as we'd have liked, but we are now."

"And maybe you're not as close to her as you think you are," Artie said, pouring liquid into a glass. Ashley huffed, fell silent.

Tina looked back at Blaine, mute.

"You're amazing, Tina," he said. "You're my best friend. I hope - I know you understand it's - different with me and Kurt, and I love him with all of my heart."

"I know," Tina said. She pushed the veil away from her face. "You know I think the world of you two. But I just thought - I just wanted to know what it was like to get married. To have someone who loves you so much they're going to declare it in front of the world. Besides, it's _you_. You know?" Her face twisted.

"You will," said Mercedes warmly. "When it's the right time. Which is - " she looked around - "not right now."

"Let's hug it out," said Blaine, and he and Kurt bundled Tina up, slid careful hands down her hair.

"Well, I think this ceremony is concluded," Artie drawled.

"Are you three getting married to each other now?" Ashley blinked.

"Shut up, Ash," said Dan, groaning.

"Are we going to discuss the Dan-shaped elephant in the room now?" asked Santana, who was still on her phone. "About how he practically ripped his heart out and offered it to Tina on a plate like she asked?"

Dan reddened up to his hairline. "Let's not."

"Huh?" said Tina, who had just come up for air in between Blaine and Kurt's shoulders. "Dan said what now?

"Did that priest just come out and say he loved Blaine?" Janie asked. "I totally missed that part."

"So Blaine's gay." Sherry touched her cheek gingerly. "I just thought he liked bowties."

"Shut up, Sherry," said Ashley and Santana in unison.

Tina grabbed the finger of Stoli out of Artie's hand and downed it in one healthy gulp. She threw the glass down on the floor: "Oh, fuck this, everyone, let's have a party."

"Wait, aren't you pregnant?" said Janie blankly.

"Look here, Janie," Tina said. She jiggled her bump. "It's a foam baby."

**4:45 pm**

"Hey, Tina."

"Hi, Blaine." She was still dressed in her wedding gown, and she was now bumpless. Sam was wearing her veil and tripping his way through a drunken Mary Crawley impression. Cooper, Dan and Artie were singing "Let's Get The Party Started" in uncoordinated voices, and the girls were laughing over the leftover crumbs of their cupcakes. Nobody had cleaned up yet, but nobody was caring much, either.

Blaine tugged at her hand and pulled her down to sit next to him. She asked, "Where's Kurt?"

"He's on the phone in the hallway," Blaine said. "Did you talk to Dan?"

"Enough to get the gist of it." Tina pulled down one of her braids and began unraveling it. "And I never knew," she said, her voice filled with wonder. "I just thought he was a good friend."

"He is." Blaine smiled at her. "He cared enough to go to a wedding he knew wasn't real because he wanted to support you."

"And to tell me about his feelings," she said thoughtfully. "Because he couldn't say it any other way."

"Why wouldn't he love you, Tina? You're great."

"Why wouldn't I love you, Blaine? _You're_ great. Yes - " and Tina broke in, giggling, before Blaine could start again - "we're not a thing, even if we're gonna be friends forever. But you've ruined me for other guys."

Blaine laughed. "I love your compliments. So, Tay-Tay, what's the verdict?"

"I told him to move here. That it was the right thing for his career and he shouldn't move because of me."

"And?"

"He agreed with me."

"And?"

"And I'm not ready," said Tina, with finality. "He's a nice guy, I just - I just don't want to date him right now. I've finally got a good thing going with my show, and the fans like me. "

"Promise me you'll bring me to the Emmys." Blaine held out his hand.

"Well, duh," said Tina. They shook on it, and she put her arm around him, leaned her chin against his shoulder. "And Dan will be okay. So he says."

"Just don't bring Cooper." Blaine repressed a shudder.

"Of course not." chuckled Tina, eyes closed. "Cooper was just a phase. Hey - "

"What is it, Tay-Tay?"

"Just don't tell anyone you and Kurt are going to Atlantic City tomorrow. Okay?"

"Well, you are Detective Tina Cohen-Chang," Blaine said ruefully.

"I just know, Blaine, okay? I know. I've learned - " and Tina waxed nostalgically, put on a jaded air - "in my brief and tragic experience with weddings - except for Mr. Schue's second one - that even the best laid plans can fall completely apart. It's too much potential chaos for you. So why have all the fuss?"

"Just us and our families," Blaine said. "We'll get the legal technicalities sorted out, sigh a big sigh of relief, and _then_ plan a party for all our friends."

"Congratulations. I'm so happy for you and Kurt." Tina pecked him sweetly on the cheek.

"Thanks, Tina." Blaine ruffled her hair. "And we all love you too."


End file.
